[1] Martin Luther said that parenting was holy work. He also admitted it was hard work. He was not a single parent, but Katie was after he died. Not only did she care for her own children, but those Martin and Katie had adopted children who were orphaned. This article is about the difficulties of single parenting and the grace of God and community that make it possible.
[2] I often think of myself as a single mother by choice, as I am a single person who chose to adopt children. Thus, while, I know that it was God’s plan for my life, not mine, that led me here, I honestly feel a little weird about complaining about the challenges of being a single parent. However, I have come to a place where I’ve allowed myself to be honest about the challenges that I face as a single parent and the effects that it has had on my mental, physical, and spiritual health.
[3] To sum it up: being a single parent trying to raise healthy children at this time in society is hard! That may not seem like a big statement for most people to say. But I’ve spent a long time masking my own emotions, trying to be super mom. And I’ve never really let myself acknowledge the fact that I was struggling, so asking for help felt like it was out of the question for me.
[4] The moment that I first allowed myself to break down and cry, because my children needed me and I had little to nothing left to give, was oddly a relief. To finally remove the self-imposed veil of perfection, certainly felt revolutionary. Now I understand that being a single parent is so hard because it is simply unnatural to parent alone. It takes two people to create a child, and it certainly takes a village to raise one. However, the vast majority of “the villages” in our communities have been systematically destroyed. Therefore, too often the sole responsibility of the care and well-being of a child or multiple children end up falling on one person. Any person in this situation, no matter how they got there, is bound to struggle in some way. When I came to this realization, it taught me to have grace, not only for the single parent that raised me, but also for the parent who I had been thus far.
[5] At the beginning of my motherhood journey, when my first child was brought home, I thought to myself that I had to do my absolute best by her, because I chose to become her mom and take care of her. I remembered the time before I had her, when I was praying for her, wishing that I would have the opportunity to keep this child safe and in our family. God told me that I was the best person for this position, so I took on that role with honor. When I did that, I did not realize that I was inadvertently putting my child and her happiness before everything else in my world, including myself and my own well-being.
[6] At 20 years old, I was depressed and broke. Not to mention I hadn’t even begun healing from my own various childhood traumas. So, when my cousin’s newborn, Daisy, was placed with me, she was a beautiful distraction. Being the product of two emotionally unavailable parents, I know what is like to feel like a motherless child. So, I’ve always wanted to do what I could to make sure that no child around me would have to experience that. Therefore, I was able to push every other bad feeling to the side and force myself into mom mode to give her everything that I had. Instead of exploring my own passions, I shifted into survival mode to secure stable income to provide a safe home for her and a few years later, for my niece Lai’Loni. For the past nine years of my life that has been my main focus, and I am proud to say that for the most part I have absolutely done that for my children. Yet recently, I have started to wonder why I felt content with my life but was not really happy. I realized that it was because I had never taken the time or space to discover what it even meant for me to be happy as an adult. I honestly had not had much fun outside of children’s activities, as my only concern was doing what was needed to keep my daughters healthy and happy.
[7] Even though I was trying my best to keep my daughters happy, I have to admit that I often found myself struggling with the social and emotional connection between us. Even though our home was mostly filled with love and joy, in those times when one of us were emotionally triggered in a negative way, things turned rough. While I know that growing pains are natural in every mother-daughter, and sibling relationship, I couldn’t help but worry that I was doing something wrong. I knew something was missing. Yet, I pushed through, because I knew that I would not put me in a position that I was not capable of fulfilling. I thank God every day that my children are in my life, and I now realize that they’ve made me a better person.
[8] When I began my own healing journey, I discovered that in order to raise a healthy child, I first had to heal my wounded inner child. This was the only way that I could be the parent to them that I never had myself. I soon realized that I had not really been equipped with the tools necessary to raise an emotionally healthy child. I had never been taught to deal with big emotions in a healthy way and had never felt safe fully expressing my emotions in my family. It was clear that the emotional void from my childhood was showing up in my relationship with my daughters and the relationship they had with each other. As my children grew older, they continued to struggle with expressing big emotions in a positive way, and I did not know how to de-escalate properly. I often would respond with anger and aggression to their negative expressions, which needless to say did not help.
[9] One day, towards the beginning of my healing phase, I came across a video on social media of a woman explaining that our children are disobedient to us at times in the same way that we, as Christians, are often disobedient to God. She stated that because of this we should give our kids grace, just as God gives us grace daily. Hearing this comparison of God as a graceful parent and we believers as disobedient children really shifted me into a different perspective. It made me realize that just because my children were struggling to be obedient to my rules, that did not mean that they were bad. They are just trying to find their own way (the same way that all children do). Just as in the times when I was operating outside of the will of God, it was not because I am a bad person. As humans, it is very easy for us to lose our way and weaken our connection to God by putting our own ego in front of our higher calling. It is also in a child’s nature to explore their own interest first. When we are disobedient to the Lord, God does not respond in anger or aggression. God gives us grace, continues to work with us, teach us, and gives us another chance to make it better every day.
[10] That graceful parent is the type of parent that I aspire to be. But first I had to let go of the past and allow God to re-parent my wounded inner child. I had to learn to see myself as God sees me and let go of the image imposed on me by others. When I thought about the person that I wanted to be (a fun outgoing person with the confidence, joy, and peace) I realized that there was a past version of me who had all of these things. Before the kids and years of stress, anxiety, and depression, I was a passionate, vibrant girl who loved fashion, dancing, and hanging out with friends. While at that time, I did not have all of the physical things that I wanted, I was actually happy. Now, I have made getting back to that version of myself my new goal. In doing so, I have been forced to learn how to put myself first and value my peace. Although, with family, work, and other responsibilities, that’s easier said than done. Regardless I have peace because I always remember that with God, I will figure it out. I know that it is not God’s intent for me to struggle, and I now think of hard times as God preparing me to use my tests as a testimony of God’s grace.
[11] It is really easy to allow the stresses of doing it all alone turn into bitterness. I feel like that’s what I saw a lot growing up, and I knew that I did not want that for my children. I knew my kids needed a strong, moral foundation, if they were going to be their best selves. And I realized that before I could provide that to them, I had to connect myself to something bigger than me and renew my spirit. Although at that time, I felt had no real connection to God, I always had a deep admiration and respect for Jesus. I wanted to raise my children in the faith, but ultimately, I had no real basis for my faith, just a random collection of knowledge about Jesus that I remembered from church on Sundays. I was raised Christian, so I’ve always considered myself to be one, but I guess I was more of a social Christian. I always thought that some intelligent consciousness designed this world, but I did not know for sure if there was a God. Throughout the years, even in this confusion, gospel music has always brought my soul so much comfort, so I began to make sure that I listen to it daily.
[12] Not long after that, I felt drawn to get closer to God. In a time of uncertainty, I asked God for a sign, and it led me to a post where a woman was referencing Job. So I picked up a Bible, read it, and immediately felt like God was speaking directly to me. Hearing God reassure Job and prophesy over his life, knowing what he went through, gave me so much hope. That was the beginning of my real faith, and I realized that in order to increase my faith, I had to get closer to the word of God. I figured this would be a task being that I had never owned a Bible before this or ever had a real interest in reading it. Even though I had went to church regularly since my youth, I had no real knowledge about the word of God. I knew this had to change if I wanted to instill faith in my children.
[13] I did not know really where to start. One day after a sleepless night when I felt overwhelmed with being a single parent I saw a video on social media that referenced 1 Peter 5:2-3. The verses talk about how we are called to be shepherds to God’s flock and tend to the flock willingly without complaining. It also talks about how we should not try to control others but strive to be good examples to the sheep that we are tending. When I read that, it really changed my outlook on parenting. It made me realize that as a Christian, I had chosen to be a shepherd of God’s flock and while at times that may not be easy, it is my honor and privilege to serve the Lord in this way. It also made me realize that a lot of the anguish that I felt over the challenges with my kids was because of my own self-imposed judgment, and desire to control my kids to ensure that they would grow up to be “good” people. Reading this verse made me realize that the primary way that humans learn is by example, therefore, if I wanted my children to be good people, the main thing that I would have to focus on is being a good person myself so that I could be a positive example for them.
[14] I also had to realize that with parenting, like anything else in life, a person will have good days and bad days. The goal is to not allow negativity to cloud God’s goodness over one’s life. I had to put my own ego to the side and remember that with Jesus I am able to tackle anything. I prayed for God to posture my heart and take charge of my actions and words so that I might be a reflection of Christ. By this, my children will see my example and inherit the fruits of my spirit.
[15] I am now able to let go of what I cannot control and let God’s grace control the rest. My trust in God allows me to experience the joys of life like I never had before because now I appreciate every season. Now I understand that even the moments that don’t feel good are working for my good because God is in control. It has taken a lot of work to get to this place, and I am grateful for the peace that I have. However, every day I battle to remember to choose goodness and act out of love. While there are certainly times when I fall short of being an example of Christ, my connection to God allows me to pick up my cross every day and start anew. And with God’s grace, being a single parent doesn’t seem so hard.
[16] In some ways my perspective comes from experiences that I believe were both directly and indirectly led by God. Although throughout my life I would have never considered myself a super religious person, I have always somehow been connected to God both inside and outside of church. As a kid, I only went to church to get something to eat after service. Our pastor invited us into the church and involved us in the ministry. Then as a teen I attended confirmation. The church supported me through my college and career journey. Once I was a rambunctious child running and dancing around the sanctuary, now my church stands by me raising two children. I cannot say that through it all I knew or even believed that God was real. But I can assure you that I know that I am the woman that I am today only because of the grace of God. This is why I will continue to do the work to show God’s goodness in the world. I believe that is my calling is to help support other families, just as God sent and sends people to help support me throughout my journey.
[17] So how do I tackle single parenting now? First, I choose to serve God every day. Second, I raise my children to the best of my ability with God‘s grace and remember that my help comes from Him. Third, I work in communion with others to bring God’s will to the Earth.
[18] That’s why I am a part of our church’s Strong Baby Sanctuary (or SBS). My church started our SBS right after my first daughter was born, and I have been a member since. As a parent in the Strong Baby Sanctuary, I have been able to attend monthly meetings to receive support, education, and resources around parenting. The Sanctuary provides baby, and household items to parents in need. The program helped me develop many parenting skills. When my daughter was about two years old, I began volunteering for the program. We do work to teach about important topics that are often avoided in our community (trauma, mental health, social emotional learning, safety, etc.) We also stress the importance of parents caring for themselves, as well as their children.
[19] It is programs like this that will help reshape society. I believe that it is God’s will for all of us to have a village of people to turn to when we are in need. Capitalist greed and racism are just a few things that have undermined God’s love in our communities. But if we choose Christ, follow our passions, and support one another as God intended for us, we can work to rebuild our villages so that the plight of the single parent is not so hard. We know that the children are our future, so we need to support the parents raising them. Shifting parents out of survival mode by showing them the light of Christ, will help them see that, even when people disappoint them, their help will come from the Lord. Then they and their children will hopefully become a part of the kingdom of God.
Elisha Branch was born and raised on the north side of Milwaukee by her mother and is the youngest of four children. She has attended Hephatha Lutheran Church since her youth and is still a member there. She graduated from Washington High School and went on to pursue her education at Mount Mary University. She earned a Bachelors of Arts, majoring in Spanish, with a minor in Philosophy. She has held various roles at different community organizations working in community organizing and social justice. In addition to being a mom to her two daughters and leading the praise dancers at her church, she enjoys being outdoors and is enjoying life. She now works for the state of Wisconsin with the department of health services; she has hopes to open a nonprofit supporting single parents soon.